Categories: Opinion

5 Things We Learned In NFL Week 13

Teams that are in
- Patriots, Bengals, Broncos, Panthers, and Cardinals. All teams that are locks to win their respected divisions.
Teams that are out
1. Dolphins, Ravens, Browns, Titans, Raiders, Chargers, Lions, Bears, Saints, Rams, and the 49ers. I can’t technically add the Bucs and Falcons but I don’t see any way they stubble into a wildcard.
Legitimate Contenders
- The Panthers, Bengals, and Cardinals are far and away the most balanced teams in the league. Although the Panthers’ schedule is weak, you can’t knock them as a contender until they lose a game. The Patriots appeared to be the best team in the league until they lost their starting RB, and their starting TE, and their starting WR, and the other starting WR, and basically the entire starting line. Still, if Gronk and Edelman (pictured) come back before playoffs you gotta consider them in as contenders. The Chiefs are a long-shot but don’t count them out. With the right matchup, I can see a universe where they beat the Panthers in the worst Super Bowl game ever. Still waiting for the Seahawks to shift gears and turn it on. We’ve seen them do it before and week 13 might have flipped the switch. They routed a previously 8-3 Vikings team on the road 38-7. They can throw it in cruise control for the next three games playing Ravens, Browns, and Rams before finishing the season in Phoenix. Finally, the Steelers. This years Steelers team might be the best team ever to not make the playoffs. If they can find their way to a wildcard spot however, they are a serious threat in the playoffs. They have that championship caliber makeup. How do you beat a rock solid defense, an 9’7” tall rocket-launching quarterback, a downhill running halfback, a coach who’s balls drag on the field during 4th downs, and not 1, not 2, but 3 downfield threats at WR that are all treating touchdowns as a chance to audition for Dancing With the Stars? Notice I left out the Brockweiler and his Broncos. If you could take the average of Peyton and Brock’s age/talent and make a quarterback out of it, they might have a chance; but I don’t see either of them beating some tough AFC defenses in the playoffs.
The NFC East sucks
- This division is truly terrible. This week we watched the Giants lose to a struggling Jets team, the Eagles almost blow a three touchdown lead to the ghosts of the New England Patriots, and then the epitome of a toilet bowl game between the two remaining teams the Cowboys and the Redskins. Had Chip Kelly managed to lose that game he would be getting treatment for burns on his ass because his seat is so hot. Hopefully someone gets Tom Coughlin and Jason Garret some new watches for Christmas because their clock management may be a historically bad at this point. On top of all of that, Jon Gruden‘s baby bro looks to be the only one who’s job is remotely safe. That’s awesome, man.
Coaching Vacancies
- This year has been a really bad year for football. The sport is lacking the entertainment it’s had in past years. Each week we’re given one maybe two actually good games to watch. A lot of that blame can be put on the coaching. After 95 years of football you would think, America could produce 32 capable coaches — nope. Here’s a look at some of the coaches that you might see coaching your son’s Pee Wee football games come next August:
  - Jim Tomsula, of the 4-8 tied for last place 49ers. Jim got his first road win this week against a decent Bears team. However, studies show if you live and die by Blaine Gabbert, chances are you won’t be around too long.
  - Mike Pettine, of the 2-10 last place Browns. Mike told us early this season that he would “turn this ship around.” Welp, iceberg ahead Mike. He recently listed Johnny Manziel as the starting quarterback, again… And just in time for the Holiday Christmas Party!
  - Jason Garret, of the 4-8 last place Cowboys. Jason has been using a glass chalice made from Romo’s fragile collarbone hold on to his unprecedented job stability for years. This week he used the ice from Dan Bailey‘s veins to keep that glass cool. It will be fun to watch his 5yr/$30 million drink melt away as the steaming-pile-of-feces NFC East heats up.
  - Mike McCoy, of the 3-9 last place Chargers. The Chargers will be looking to clear house at the end of this season, literally. Won’t be surprised if he shows up to San Diego come next year only to realize that the team picked up it’s stuff and headed to Hollywood without him.
  - Jeff Fisher, of the 4-8 tied for last place Rams. Jeff has been a ‘just okay’ coach for 21 straight seasons. After the blockbuster trade to bring in Napoleon Dynamite as quarterback over the offseason, it appears Jeff too will be homeless come next season. (Imagine the phone call between Fisher and McCoy: “Hey Mikey, it’s week 3 and my team still hasn’t showed up for practice…” “Jeff, for the last time — our teams moved to L.A. without us. Please stop calling me.”
  - Tom Coughlin, of the 5-7 tied for first Giants. After 253 years of life, Coughlin may finally be jobless. The Giants have been hoping Grandpa Tom sits down one day and simply can’t get back up. Well, after wasting another season away, it appears the Giants are finally going to take matters into their own hands. Don’t be surprised if you see the Giants flying Tom out to Jason Pierre-Paul’s next 4th of July party.
  - Chip Kelly, of the 5-7 tied for first Eagles. Chip has been hiding behind that infamous “S 8” play card for two seasons now. Looks like teams have finally figured out that “S 8” must stand for his only two offensive plays. Can you see the headline now? “Eagles Head Coach/GM trades himself to Tennessee to reunite with ex-BFF Marcus Mariota.”